Tomorrow, September 10th, is World Suicide Prevention Day. This is a day when I look back; reflect on the darkness behind me. This is a day I remember....what it all used to feel like. Some of my milestones tend to be marked in my blood, my sickness, the death of me...over & over again. How crazy it is to know a Light like me could know death & despair so well. It hurts just hear its name. Like it's awakening in me again, crawling out of the corners of my arteries it's been waiting in--dormant--just for a moment like this. I feel it seep into my heart like a vine creeping up a tall lone sunflower. It is time to feel.
There were days long ago, not long enough, that I thrived in the clouds of chaos. Truth is, maybe it was the only time I felt alive. The thrill of slicing through my skin, the release of bright red blood dripping from my arm & into the bathroom sink. It was only after that buzz that the guilt started to kick in--the thought of what people would think of me. They'd think me crazy...they always did. I was shameful. How would I hold up my image? Popular, I was; a cheerleader, smart, pretty. At least that was the disguise. Honestly it may have been the only thing that kept me sane. The only thing that kept me from realizing that I was actually living in Hell; every time I went home...in silence...in chaos. It followed me everywhere but when I was playing the roll of happy-go-lucky in a way it felt like a break. I would have rather pretended to be happy then have to live in the truth of the misery I really was.
I realize now after all the years of work I've done that the only real way to happiness is straight through that misery. No shortcuts of cutting, popping, drinking, smoking or fucking are ever really gonna get me there. Just a moment to forget who you are for a bit. Turns out that didn't satisfy me. It just wasn't enough. You see, where ever I go I go hard, most addicts are like that. I started to chase the biggest high you could ever fathom: JOY. :) And there in lies my savior. You see, I took the smart road....eventually. It's longer, harder & YOU are the only one ever on it but it's the only one that's everlasting. There's love down that road. REAL LOVE!!!! Not the kind of love that builds you up just to let you down; the kind of love that comes from You, for you, by you, with you! From the inside out it becomes You. I turn and wave my scarf to Old Miss Misery. I have found my everlasting buzz. I have found my effervescent life.
I have found mySELF.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
If anything we are all alone together.
If the only HOPE that I can give you is that my darkness is a faint memory that I can wave to from my high tower in the clouds then that it was I give you.
If dreaming is all you have to keep you from leaving then dream on, I say!
Dream On.
One day. Someday.
If you squint hard enough you'll see those dreams buried beneath the chaos. Your only job is to clear the path. Easier said than done, but I am here.
I am Proof...
That all DREAMS can come TRUE!
From the Heart & Soul of:
DARIENNE
Hope Shines Founder
