I sang this song for the first time in a while yesterday and midway through it I broke down in tears sitting on my bed looking out the window remembering the loss. It's been over 2 years now and it still sometimes feels fresh. I'm at the point now where most of my days I forget that there was ever a time when I wasn't a single parent. I forget about Joey, I forget that our family used to have another dynamic. But when I'm reminded, I'm overcome with a roar of great sadness. I remember that my little girl used to have a daddy, I feel his connection--that deep love that we share for the life that we took part in creating together. It's still probably the most surreal thing I've ever experienced in my life. Sometimes I think, "Is this really happening?" We never imagine such a tragedy could occur in our own lives--those sort of things only happen in the movies. But when they do happen to us...it reminds us of how human we really are. I feel a different part of me open up and I'm forced to feel.
I have to say that this experience has changed me in a way that I will forever be grateful for. Even though I've felt a deep sense of sorrow I gained a sense of pride in the grace and tender love that I treated myself with throughout my grievance. I was so gentle with myself and through that I learned what true strength really looked like. As a mother--one that has struggled with depression for many years--it's easy to let yourself fall through the cracks especially when you have a child grieving the lost of their father, but this time was different. I understood that everything that happened from then on would be critical in my daughter's emotional and spiritual development. I understood fully that I was now her everything, and everything I did was going to affect her, even more so than it would have when her father was still alive. I understood that, and I gracefully accepted that responsibility. I knew that I needed to handle myself with care and walk through this with faith. It was important for me to fully experience this loss, if I needed to cry I allowed myself to cry and I never hid it from my daughter. It scared her at first but I let her know, while in tears, that I was okay and that this was completely normal and good for me. I learned that strength didn't mean holding back your feelings it meant allowing yourself to feel them and accepting your own vulnerabilities. I let myself be human so that it would eventually allow my daughter to do the same. It was important for me not to tell her when and where or how she should grieve but to guide her through her own natural grievance.
This is a process that I will be working on with her for many, many years, I'm sure. I will just keep reminding her that it is always okay to cry, that crying cleanses the soul and if she'd like we could cry together (I'm sure I could easily do that lol). Or if right now she just feels like being a normal kid and not thinking about it, we can do that too. She asked me questions about it every once in a while, and every time, no matter what my feelings, I address it with open arms. I make myself the safe haven that she needs in that moment. Every time I answer her question about her Daddy, I always follow up with asking her how she feels about that and I try to walk her through the emotions that she's not quite sure how to articulate yet by using simple emotion-words like "sad", "angry" and "scared".
All in all, when I sit in that space--like the space I am in now as I listen to this song on repeat, as I hear my own voice reaching out to my lost loved one with all of the unanswered questioned I have--a midst the sorrow, there is a great sense of peace. Like I'm in the hands of God and he's telling me that everything is okay. And I feel right to feel, I feel okay to feel...I feel safe to be what I am...human. And truthfully in these moments..I feel beautiful. "Ever so perfect."
Goodbye, Joey. I know I've said that before and I'll probably say it again as I'm not sure closure is at all possible. We miss you. I'm doing my best here. I know you're proud of me. I know you knew that I could do this on my own, but that doesn't make it any easier. I feel your absence and your presence at the same time. I'm not quite sure what to say anymore, or that anything even needs to be said. I just need to live in this space for a moment. I can't thank you enough for this. I know God planned this for my growth and probably Kylie's too. Just wish it didn't have to be this for me to learn these lessons. I'll think of you today, maybe tomorrow. I know we'll be okay. I know everything's right in the world. Maybe you're catching my tears over there, I know you would if you could. Goodbye, Joey.
-Darienne Rose
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__________________________________________________________________________
The Delaware County 11th Annual Candlelight Memorial
will be held on
Monday, Sept 10th @ 7pm
At
Rose Tree Park Amphitheater
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